Seven Hells for Failed Taste

[caper_est]

Oh sod it! It has to be expelled from my system, sooner or later!

Here, found in the ashes of a burnt-out village hall whose surviving walls bear strange and troubling markings about which I will not and must not think too curiously, are the only remaining documents in the case of You Won't Believe It!, the ill-fated off-Millbank musical based on Stephen R Donaldson's First Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, the Unbeliever.

The necromancy and bibliomancy involved in assembling our all-star, all-volunteer cast has been strictly investigated by the proper Authorities, who inform me that it is not to blame for any of the subsequent unfortunate events.

 

James Stewart - THOMAS COVENANT, a Smalltown Writer of Hit Musicals , now a Leper. (US and Land)

Belle from Beauty and the Beast - LENA (Act I), a Romantic Smalltown Girl (Land).

Mrs Pritchard from down the Amlwch Road - LENA (Act III), a Badass Old Woman (Land).

Judi Dench - ATIARAN, mother to LENA; a Magic-Packin' Momma (Land).

Bruce Willis - TRELL, father to LENA; an Über-Badass Heavy Father (Land).

Nicholas Nickleby - TRIOCK, a Straight-Arrow Cowboy; engaged to LENA (Land).

Christopher Lee - LORD FOUL THE DESPISER, called FANGTHANE, CORRUPTION, SATANSHEART SOULCRUSHER, and THE GREY SLAYER, a Bad Person (Land).

Robert Mitchum - AN EVIL EVANGELIST (US); SAUL RAVER, a cool Demon (Land).

Young Dr Rhys-Williams - A BIGOTED SHERIFF (US); JOHNNY RAVER, a bitter Demon, brother to SAUL (Land).

Sarah Palin - A RUTHLESS MAYOR (US); HELEN RAVER, a hot Demon, sister to SAUL and JOHNNY. (Land).

Omar Sharif - THE CREATOR OF THE LAND, a Good Person fallen on hard times, and absolutely positively No Relation to the Creator of Anywhere Else. (US and Land).

Dai Five Firkins - SALTHEART FOAMFOLLOWER, a Giant. (Land).

Peter Mandelson - DROOL ROCKWORM, a Megalomaniac Cavewight. (Land).

Campaspe of Larissa - HIGH LORD ELENA, Lena's Beautiful Daughter (Act II-III, Land).

Mr Trwyn-Ym-Mhopeth - HIGH LORD MHORAM, a Hero Who Follows His Nose (Land )

Myrddin Emrys - CAERROIL WILDWOOD, a Vengeful Forest Spirit. (Land )

Cyndi Lauper - HAYLEY TROY, COVENANT's annoying free-spirited blind neighbour who can totally pwn the entire Internet at World of Warcraft by sense of smell (US, Act I); later (Land, Act II) General of the United Land Army.

The fairy lights from off the Holland Arms - THE WRAITHS OF ANDELAIN, Good Spirits. (Land )

Aleksandr Orlov and Family - THE WAYNHIM, Good Monsters; also THE UR-VILES, Bad Monsters. (Land )

Plush Cthulhu - THE LURKER OF THE SARANGRAVE, a Big Bad Monster. (Land, we hope.)

Matt Smith - AMOK, a Puckish Person. (Land )

Disgo Kev and the Door Team - BANNOR AND THE BLOODGUARD, a Mixed Martial Arts Security Squad (Land )

Jar Jar Binks - FIRST ABOMINATION at Foul's Creche. (Land )

Pete Doherty - HIGH LORD KEVIN, a Waster. (Land )

Mair the Hearse - MANETHRALL RUE, a Horsewoman.

My Little Pony, Rainbow Brite, and Hitchcock the Shettie - RANYHYN, Magic Horsies! (Land)

Lady, the Tramp, and Scamp - HORDES OF EVIL YELLOW WOLVES (Land).

 

As to the specific cause of the disaster, the Investigator diagnosed 'Natural Justice' and departed.  I have no idea what she was talking about.

Those who have perused the cast list will readily understand that certain... improvements were necessary to render the original story fit for public performance.  The surviving passage - which it appears that the fires refused to consume, no doubt for reasons which seemed good to them - is given below the cut, and translates a notoriously problematic episode from Lord Foul's Bane into popular and family-friendly entertainment, in a style we like to think will prove both edifying and touching.

 

[The same evening. A glade near Mithil Stonedown, overlooked by Kevin's Watch. Enter COVENANT and LENA, tipsy, at top of stony rise L. LORD FOUL stands up on the Watch and Bela Lugosi-s the audience, sniggering into his cape. Nobody sees him.

[Introduction to next song starts up. Reciting:]

LENA [glowing]: Great Earl-Lord! What was it you wanted to say to me?

COVENANT [bashful]: Heckfries, Miss Lena - I don't know - it's like suddenly all the world is - aw, gee...!

[Trips on rock. He and LENA scramble to steady themselves on each other, and struggle to keep their footing the rest of the way down. Lena's dress is shredded, and she is badly scratched, by a passing gooseberry-bush. They land jarringly at the bottom: he grabs her to keep her from falling. Their faces are bare inches apart; she stares up into his eyes. On a sudden impulse, he stoops to kiss her. Lena begins to respond, then recollects herself and pushes him away. Enter ATIARAN and TRIOCK, R.]

LENA: No!

[ATIARAN and TRIOCK rush forward to defend LENA. Horrorstruck, COVENANT releases her and stumbles back. She throws herself at Triock to stop him braining Covenant with a handy rock. Covenant continues to retreat before an advancing Atiaran.]

ATIARAN: Vile ravisher! You have made of my heart a wilderland!

COVENANT: It's not what it looks like!

LENA [still shaken]:                                    Oh, mother, oh Triock, please won't you try to understand -

 

SONG: STRANGER DANGER
 

When you're all alone, though you're walled like stone with your kith and your kin and your friends,
And your wild heart rides up the mountainside to the plains where the dance never ends,
And you dream bright battle,
But your future's cattle...

He will come in the dark, like a soul-searing spark,
That will catch on the wax of your wings.
When your wings burn away, you may long for the day,
But he draws you from all daily things.

He's the dangerous stranger, the wild magic gold,
He is Berek, he is Kevin, he's the tales my father told.
He's the lightning flashing in my eyes when I am grey and old -
Oh, mother, don't you frown now - can't you see
He's my danger, and the long road back to me?

TRIOCK [to an aghast COVENANT]: Seducer! Raver! Despoiler!

LENA:

He will fall through the air. You may cling, if you dare,
To the jagged white iron of his star.
When you fall, cold and torn, and you crawl off forlorn,
Still you've flown where the great spirits are.

He's the dangerous stranger, the white magic fire,
He is dying Kelenbhrabanal, the price of all desire.
He's the venture I'll remember when I'm tending barn and byre -
Oh, Triock, oh my love, you know it's true:
He's my danger, and the road I walk to you.

[Softly]: He's the road that I can only walk with you.

LENA, ATIARAN, and TRIOCK:

We must leave our own, and to Revelstone we must carry a sword that's all edge,
And he'll take the fight to the mad Cavewight, and to ward him we'll honour our pledge
Till the Mountain's burning,
And we're homewards turning...

=

LORD FOUL [drawing self up]: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

ATIARIAN: We ought to start off now.

TRIOCK: I have to mind a cow. [Exit TRIOCK.]

LENA: I think I'm slightly pregnant, and I really wonder how!   [Glares at Author through fourth wall. Exit LENA.]

ATIARAN [slapping COVENANT]: Desecrator! Bale-worker! Betrayer! Ah, I hope the Lords will punish - punish - punish! Follow me! [Heads off R.]

COVENANT: Gosh-darn heckfries and tarnation, ma'am, I guess I just about deserve that! Say, what is it you put in that wine, anyhow?

[Exeunt omnes.]

 

Concerned citizens may be reassured that High Lord Elena turns out (perhaps unsuprisingly) not to be Covenant's daughter; so that after Lord Foul is laughed to destruction in the classic audience-participation number Behind You!, and the Creator cures Covenant's leprosy and resurrects Elena into our world to live happily ever after with him and all Drool's gold and their very own herd of Ranyhyn ponies on Haven Farm, there is nothing in any way illegal or tasteless about the miracle.  Nor about the closing song.  Believe This! is a very superior song, especially when Campaspe is performing it.  And she is not rude, as the vulgar-minded would have it.  She is a cultural and classical treasure of the Western tradition!

Concerned citizens may also be reassured that we can no longer get permits or insurance to perform this big marabou stork anywhere within the Sirian Sector or for twenty parsecs around it.  Also, everybody who knew the script in any detail was rehearsing it in the hall when... that which occurred, occurred.  No least human remains were ever discovered, so it is possible that they will some day return and enlighten us on the matter; but it is also, after all, possible that they will not very much care to talk about it.