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caper_estHere is a Kateverse folk-tale from Cauldale. Some tales are told in some form across all the universe with human beings in them. But when one of those human beings is Kit Fox, the Red Witch of Alland, the moral is liable to degenerate spectacularly...
THE WAVE THAT BROKE ON THE INGERFELL
A Tale of Kit Fox
So Lazy Maisie lay late a-bed one morning, and she dreamed that the Northern Lights spoke to her, saying, “Woo! woo! woo! Get up, Lazy Maisie, and climb up the hill by the hard road, lest the sky break on the Ingerfell and wash all the pasture away! And mind you bring a penny bag of nails with you! Wow! wow! wow!” And the Northern Lights flashed like all the Cyclops’ thunderbolts at once, and Lazy Maisie jumped straight awake out of bed for the first time in her born days.
“If the sky washes the pasture away,” said Lazy Maisie, “the shepherds will have nothing to pay me with, and I shall wither and scrawn and starve! Why, that will be the end of the world!” And she scampered off to the blacksmith in her nightclothes, and did what he asked to get her bag of penny nails, and with never a wait for a wash she took the hard road up the Ingerfell out of Haggersdale; which if you think an easy one, why, you may take it tomorrow!
On the third sharp switch of the stair, what did she find but a little shepherd’s bothy, and who did she find but Daffy Davy, a-smoking of his dragon-weed to make him wiser? “What comfort, Lazy Maisie?” said Daffy Davy.
“No comfort, Daffy Davy!” said Lazy Maisie. “I dreamed that the lightning spoke to me, saying, ‘Wow! wow! wow! Get up, Lazy Maisie, and climb up the hill by the hard road, lest the sky break on the Ingerfell and wash all the flocks away! And mind you bring a penny bag of nails with you! Woe! woe! woe!’ And so I must get to the top of the Ingerfell before the sky breaks on it, for that would be the end of the world!”
“The end of mine for sure!” said Daffy Davy. “If the sky washes the flocks away, where shall I get money to buy dragon-weed for finding and minding them all day? But what’s the use of nails, without wood to knock them into? So you go up by the hard road, and I’ll bring you wood from the laird’s stand. Hustle-bustle, Lazy Maisie! Beware of a broken sky!”
So up she went by the hard road, and down he went for the timber. On his way down, what did he find but one of his sheep, and who did he find but Priesty Beasty, doing what he didn’t ought to with it? “What joy is there, Daffy Davy?” panted Priesty Beasty.
“No joy for us, Priesty Beasty!” said Daffy Davy. “Lazy Maisie dreamed that the thunder spoke to her, saying ‘Woe! woe! woe! Get up, Lazy Maisie, and climb up the hill by the hard road, lest the sky break on the Ingerfell and wash all the folk away! And mind you bring a penny bag of nails with you! Go! go! go!’ And so Lazy Maisie must get to the top of the Ingerfell, and I must get her some wood to hammer the nails into - for that would be the end of the world!”
“The end of mine, indeed!” cried Priesty Beasty. “If the sky washes the folk away, who will give me my tithes for straying and praying for them all day? But what’s the use of building, without Gods’ blessing to keep it up? So you go down to the timber-stand, and I’ll bring incense and wine and nointy-oils from inside my sanctuary. Hurry-scurry, Daffy Davy! Beware of a broken sky!”
So down Davy went to the timber-stand, and inside Priesty went for his gods-odds. On his way in, what did he find but the alms-box, and who did he find but Reevey Thievey, with both of his fists jammed into it up to the elbows? “What gain is there, Priesty Beasty?” hailed Reevey Thievey.
“No gain for Gods nor men, Reevey Thievey!” said Priesty Beasty. “Lazy Maisie dreamed that Great Jove spoke to her, saying ‘Go! go! go! Get up, Lazy Maisie, and climb up the hill by the hard road, lest the sky break on the Ingerfell and wash all the parish away! And mind you bring a penny bag of nails with you! Grue! grue! grue!’ And so Lazy Maisie must get to the top of the Ingerfell, and Daffy Davy must get her some wood to hammer the nails into, and I must get them some gods-odds to bless it so it all stands up - for that would be the end of the world!”
“The end of mine, indeed!” wailed Reevey Thievey. “If the sky washes the parish away, how can I make my bread by taking it? But what’s the use of busy-buzzing, when you don’t know what’s to do or what you’ll need for it? So you go into the sanctuary, and I’ll bring silver and gold along from my master's coffers, to buy everything else we may need. Hippit-hoppit, Priesty Beasty! Beware of a broken sky!”
So in Priesty went to the sanctuary, and along Reevey went for his master’s money. In the strong-room, what did he find but somebody there before him, and who did he find but Lairdy Scaredy, hiding there for fear that Early Burly should come and challenge him for what he’d said about Pretty Kitty when he was hissy-pissy. “What terror comes, Reevey Thievey?” quavered Lairdy Scaredy.
“All terror comes, Lairdy Scaredy!” said Reevey Thievey. “Lazy Maisie dreamed the Wide World spoke to her, saying ‘Grue! grue! grue! Get up, Lazy Maisie, and climb up the hill by the hard road, lest the sky break on the Ingerfell and wash me all away! And mind you bring a penny bag of nails with you! Woo! woo! woo!’ And so Lazy Maisie must get to the top of the Ingerfell, and Daffy Davy must get her some wood to hammer the nails into, and Priesty Beasty must get them some gods-odds to bless it so it all stands up, and I must get them silver and gold to buy all the rest they need for whatever proves needful - or else it’s the end of the world!”
Then Lairdy Scaredy jumped up a new man, and he cried, “Why, if it’s the end of the world, what else is left to fear? But what’s the use of lend-it-spend-it, when you’ve got no hands to work it? So you go along with all my silver and gold, and I’ll come behind with every man in my service, to do all the deeds that we’re called to. Whippit-skippit, Reevey Thievey! Beware of a broken sky!”
So along Reevey went by the hard road out of Haggersdale, and behind Lairdy came with all his foot and horsemen. Now although Lairdy Scaredy came latest of them all to save the world, his company came swiftest and unladen, so they caught up with Reevey Thievey just as they crested the Ingerfell. And Priesty Beasty had got a good start and a light load, but he saw such a pretty nanny-goat on the way that he might not rush away from her though the skies broke because of it; so he caught up with them just as they all crested Ingerfell. And Daffy Davy was strong and ready once somehow moved to action, but he had far to go and a heavy load to carry, so he caught up with every one of them atop the Ingerfell’s last rise. And Lazy Maisie was called Lazy Maisie for a reason, so they all reached the top of the hill together.
And what did they all see there but the stone of Caulder-Cairn that marks our brave barony's border, and who did they see there but a gorgeous old girl with hair like blowing forge-fire, standing on the stone and juggling five live squirrels in her hands? “Hello, Foxy Doxy!” said everybody.
Foxy Doxy, the Red Witch of Alland, seemed not much pleased to see them. “Hello, Lazy Maisie!” she said, tossing the squirrels one by one over her shoulder and kicking each one backwards over the border into her own coward country. Why-why? went the flying squirrels. “What in an outhouse of blue flames are all the rest of you twitter-twatters doing here?”
Then Lairdy Scaredy spoke up loud and free like never anyone heard him before, and said, “Lazy Maisie dreamed the end of the world unless we all came out of Haggersdale by the hard road, to stop the sky’s breaking on the rock of the Ingerfell, and washing Creation away! So we’re here to do whatever we must about it! How must we save the world, Foxy Doxy?”
And nobody who had heard different would gainsay him, because he was their laird, and because he spoke so bold and free now. “Tell us quick, Foxy Doxy!” they all cried. “Tell us how to save the world!”
Three times Foxy Doxy opened her mouth wide as the wind, and three times all words failed her. Then she spoke once and for all, this way: “Lazy Maisie, did you bring that bag of nails?”
“Yes I did, Foxy Doxy!” said Lazy Maisie.
“And what have all the rest of you brought along?” asked Foxy Doxy.
So each one told her, and she ticked it off on her fingers, and then she said, “Well, and getting better! Now, you must know that when the sea that is the sky breaks here to whelm the world, it shall wash us all away unless we have a well to catch it in. But the well will fill up, without fairies here to drink it. And the fairies will not come, without a hall to feast in. And the hall can’t hold the fairies, if mortal hands must build it.” She scratched her long sharp nose, and pondered mighty hard.
“Tricky!” said Foxy Doxy, the Red Witch of Alland. “And dangerous for me, but float one boat, float all, I suppose. Very well. Do you leave all you’ve brought in neat piles right here on the fell; and I’ll stay here seven days and seven nights, calling up spirits to dig the well and build the hall, and then fairies to come and take charge of them. But mind! If any mortal beggar-bugger comes to spy on the spirits, or steal of the silver, or screw with my spells in any way whatsoever, then all our work is wasted, and goodbye wonderful world, it was nice to know you!”
Priesty Beasty said hesitantly, “But, Foxy Doxy, your devils can’t give the building-blessing. Shan’t I then come up one time, just to do that?”
“In a pig’s eye!” said Foxy Doxy. “You’re no better than any other fellow, even for those of us who aren’t mucky-duckies. No; but Venus-Love-Laddie owes me a favour, so I’ll just have Her swing by and bless it Herself. Lairdy Scaredy, can you keep - Oh, by the big brass arse of a Barbizon baboon, what now?”
For upon the fellside they felt a terrible crash like thunder; and up from Allingdale they heard the bray of a hundred war-horns; and looking over the crest they saw a storming company with streaming banners above them! It was Early Burly, come to revenge the good name of Pretty Kitty upon Lairdy Scaredy’s slanders, and the mincing margrave of Alland was too fal-lal to stand in his way!
But Lairdy Scaredy had found bigger things to be scared of than battle, and he roared so the fellside rang with it, “To arms, men! To arms, or the Wide World’s washed away! A hind, a hag, a fig if you flag!” (Which, you know, is the Haggersdale word.) Then he fared forth like a lion starved of manflesh, and so feyly he drove the charge, his folk had all they could do to keep up with him. “A hind, a hag, a fig if you flag!” cried all his fighting men, and they foamed with him down the thither slope of Ingerfell, like a wave breaking on it to whelm the Wide World.
Then Early Burly was so overset that Lairdy Scaredy of all men should assail him so fiercely, he quailed in his saddle and all his knights with him; and they broke, and were driven with great loss and slaughter all the way over Stoneygates, and so some few to slink home. And never have the Earls of Langdale tried our Cauldale courage again, from that day to this; and now you all know why.
So Lairdy Scaredy returned home with great glory and honour, and gave it out that none might go up on all Ingerfell for seven days and nights after, until Foxy Doxy had saved the world in the high place. And so proud he now stood, that not one soul in the three great Dales or all their tributaries dared so much as think to defy him.
And early on the eighth day all the dales of Cauldale rose up and went to look on the Ingerfell; and behold! it was as if the sky had never broken on it; and all the matter they had left there was gone; and the fairies had been so neat, they had filled in the well Foxy Doxy had dug them, and flitted away with the hall Foxy Doxy had built them, just as if nothing had ever happened there at all.
And that is how Lazy Maisie, and Daffy Davy, and Priesty Beasty, and Reevey Thievey, and Lairdy Scaredy and all his men, with Foxy Doxy the Red Witch of Alland, saved the Wide World from drowning in the sea that is the sky.
As for Foxy Doxy, the last I heard word of her, she was spending fairy gold like water and drinking a rioting river down at the Unco Revel, two days’ ride from here by Tamsburgh. So if you are scamp enough to want to, and fibble-fabble off there as fast as your legs will take you, why, you may just catch her up yet, and help her keep so jolly - and then you may ask her all about it for yourself!
